One Flew Over the Pookie's Nest

Our little monkeys crossed the two year mark this month.  The skinny, bald little preemies that graced us with their collective presence two years ago have become three full speed toddlers.

We love our kids, and not just because the law says we have to.  I brag about them, show pictures of them on my phone to people I know don't give a shit, and think they are geniuses every time one of them learns a new word or puts both shoes on the right feet.  I think it's normal for any parent to feel this way, and believe this feeling is exaggerated for grandparents, and extremely exaggerated for great-grandparents.

The truth of the matter is that as angelic and gifted as my monkeys may be (in my opinion anyway), these kids are not always well behaved.  They're not Lindsay Lohan type idiots smashing up Escalades with a nose full of Peruvian Marching Powder, but they find new and inventive ways of taking "rambunctious" to a Dr. Phil "crying until there's snot all over my moustache" type level. 

A few examples....


Case in Point:  The Turd and the Register

Pookie:  "You won't believe what these kids just did!"

PapaJeff:  "Try me.  Almost nothing would surprise me."

Pookie:  "I think they threw shit down the heating vent.  Actual shit."

PapaJeff:  "My god."

Pookie:  "Their diapers were off and they were standing over the vent with shit in their hands, and the register cover was off.  I think they threw some down!"

PapaJeff:  "Call a realtor, we're out of here."

Pookie:  "I may just start walking into the prairies....(silence on the phone) "

PapaJeff:  "Uh, you may as well wait for the smell, it's pretty cold out there."

Pookie:  Sighs, hangs up phone.



Case in Point Two:  Reidster Has a Board With a Nail in it

This one happened almost a year ago in our old house.  The kids room was a regular sized bedroom with three cribs in it, and each crib was up against it's own wall.  The room had a border about 4 or 5 feet of the floor that ran along each wall.  The border wasn't just painted on, it was trim like a baseboard, so about two inches wide and a half inch thick.  Like baseboards, the trim was actually nailed to the wall using finishing nails, not just glued on (that would have been too easy).

One evening after Pookie and I put the monkeys down for a nap, we heard some odd banging and crashing, and the hysterical laughter toddlers make when they are up to some heinous shit.

Reid had managed to pry the wood border off the wall with his bare fingers, and was wildly swinging a four foot section of wood (nails and all) as hard as he could at whatever he could hit.  That kid must have been like Andy Dufraine chipping his way through the walls of Shawshank Prison.  He could barely walk, but had no problem standing in his crib and working trim right off the wall with his bare fingers. 

Who does that?  I've read a baby book or two in my day, and I sure as shit don't remember the chapter where the kid rips the nails right out of the drywall and then swings the board around like a crackhead trying to rob a hot dog cart.  At that point we started trusting those cute little smiles a little less every day.


Case in Point Three:  Baa?  Baa?

The monkeys love bath time.  Splashing, fighting, wrasslin', it's quite the spectacle.  A couple nights ago, the kids knew bath time was approaching, and started asking for a bath.  Their enunciation ain't what it could be, but they started pointing upstairs and yelling "baaa!!  baa!!  baaaaaa!!!", so they made themselves clear.  We explained that it wasn't bath night and that they were going right to bed.  They did not agree.

Half an hour after they were supposed to be sleeping, we started hearing odd banging noises.  Our first thought was that they had flipped a bed over and started throwing toys (or shit) down the vent, so I went up to investigate.

The kids were in the middle of a jailbreak, and they were determined to have a bath.  They broke through the child lock on their door (which is supposed to be good to age 4....F U Toys R Us), and were in our bathroom.  The kids broke into the cupboard, grabbed all their bath toys, and threw them in the tub.  At this point, the incident was still pretty cute.  Sadly, their little revolution, as so happen oftens, lost it's focus and became destructive.  Declan managed to get his hands on the container I use to wash their hair, and was dunking it in the toilet, and then throwing the water as high in the air as he could.  Toilet water.  While he was doing this, Reid was unravelling the toilet paper roll as fast as possible, and throwing the shredded paper in the puddles, making a nice soaked TP mess all over the floor.  Not to be outdone, daddy's little princess grabbed mommy's makeup and smashed it into the floor, her hands, and eventually the wall, turning it all a nice brownish red (looks great on Pookie).

 It took the Allies 3 days to level Dresden, our kids destroyed a bathroom in less than 5 minutes.



Anyhoo, that was just a recap of a few of the funnier moments, I'll throw some pictures up next time.