Quick Six Months

Things A Guy Learns

A full half year has passed since our little people came kicking and screaming into our world, and it's impossible to remember what life was like before they got here.  Things move that fast in Babytown.

Even the tough couple months of getting up at night to feed in shifts seems like a long time ago.    Pookie still does the vast bulk of the people rearin', but old Papa Jeff kicks in where he can and I thought I would post a recap of a few pearls of wisdom before I lose track. Maybe her follow-up blog can be a few pearls of her own.

I am no baby expert, but it's my blog, and that's the deal.


Papa Jeff's Gems of Wisdom

1.  Puke dries on a cotton shirt in about 20 minutes.    If you aren't going to bed right away, you may as well not bother putting on a clean shirt, it just invites more spray.  Just deal with the gross, it's only wet for 20 minutes, and shit, there's enough laundry already.  We don't have a lot of humidity here, but when a kid pukes on me a little closer to the ocean I might average the number up

2.  The first time your rather heavy son stands in your lap he will step on your nuts.  I think this is the same principle that the dog follows when he jumps up on the couch.  On the nuts.

3.  When you take the trips to the mall, the key is to maintain constant motion with the stroller.  People won't stop you to ask questions if you are on the move.   They must figure you're late, and nobody wants to screw with a dude with three babies that's trucking it somewhere.  If you hesitate though, they will be on you like stink on a carnival worker.  Circle around one of the old guys on the benches if you must, but don't stop moving until Pookie comes out of the store.

4.  Formula puke only seems gross at first.  The baby usually pukes right when they eat, so there isn't a lot of digestion happening.  It's really just re-heated formula.  But....feed a kid some mushed-up peas, and just let him sit for an hour or so.  Once that green slurry flies your way you will long for the good old days of twice heated similac hitting your jam jams.

5.  Grandmas are a must.

6.  The fact that you never used like people showing you pictures of their kids will not stop you from showing pictures of your kids to others.  "Here's one of Declan in a red hat!"

7.  Someday, some genius is going to open a discount "Wal-Martesque" store for baby gear (Wal-Baby?), and run those Babies R Us assholes out of town.  That's actually a good enough idea that I should look into it before I just give it away on the internet.  Meh, nobody reads this thing.

8.  As soon as a baby's back touches a change table, they will begin thrashing madly.  I call it the "When you finally get my tiny pants on, I am going to throw up on them." game.  Stella may be the best at this game, and it actually is kind of fun.

9.  Dads look forward to Christmas more than kids do.  Not because it's a great excuse to wear sweaters to work and drink at the office (although that is a nice bonus), but because Christmas is a lot more fun if the kids believe in the fairy tales.  Santa  Claus too. (Ba-zing)

10.  Having a large family does not mean you need a mini-van.  Fight the power and get that climate changing SUV, an eskimo will thank you.

11.  Disneyland actually sounds like more fun than Vegas.  Jeebuz.

12.  I thought the term "I slept like a baby" was misleading for the first couple months, but it's actually accurate.  Up until recently, I thought that unless the person was telling me that they woke up crying every two hours and eventually shit themselves, they hadn't really slept like a baby.  For the last few months, it has been the opposite.  You put the tired little person down, and eleven or twelve hours later you pick up the most well rested, smiley, happy, warm little baby you have ever seen.  Apparently the person that coined the phrase saw a baby that wasn't two months old with a belly ache and a chapped ass, because he was on to something.

Eh, that's all I've got for the moment.